The camera movement without any kind of reference like stars, planets, or other things requiring it to dance about is just nonsensical and tries to be too BSG/nu-trek like. Give the camera a real reason to have to shift about and a nice big nebula or something to give the mind a stationary point of reference. Otherwise, it will just look like the camera's shuttle pilot has some debilitating muscle disease.
Edit: Also, taper the phasers. They start small and end up wider, you see this in Bridge Commander all the time.
Edit 2: A well lit scene is a good scene. Dark and moody is good if it fits the theme, but in this case it is energetic and tense. Brighten it up, throw in some vivid colors (again, good time for some kind of nebula,) and try to avoid really dark shadows. (Yes this is space, yes it's not really realistic, but what looks good doesn't always look realistic. Try to find a good balance.)
